Mr. Satire

Forget BNP. Vote FDP !

2009-05-20T17:23:00.001+01:00

Are you tired of greedy MPs taking the taxpayer's money when it isn't rightfully theirs ?

Are you tired about the unkept promises by our Government ?

Are you tired by our financial problems that are compounded by idiots like Fred Goodwin getting massive pensions ?

If you are, you should join The Fancy Dress Party, a party that is growing in popularity by the day. Only last week, we beat the Christmas Party in a by-election.

If you think the amount of unemployed people in this country is ridiculous, then we will sort it. Our Home Secretary, Dick Tator, has had a fantastic idea in that we will write the figures of the unemployed in invisible ink. Thus, no-one will be unemployed.

I admit, there has been a lot of controversy lately over our DNA being stored by the Government. To solve this issue, Jean Poole, our Health Minister, has devised a plan that only criminals will have their DNA stored.

No pensioner will ever be cold, according to Luke Warm, our Housing Minister. Free heating will be supplied to every person over the age of 60. All the images of OAPs freezing in their homes will never be seen again if you voted us into power.

Ever think that the children of today aren't as clever as the kids a few generations back ? Education Minister Noah Lott will solve this with a new type of education that will test the brains of your young ones so much they will put Japanese youngsters to shame.

There is certainly no doubt that many people nowadays aren't getting enough fruit and vegetables that we used to. Sal Monella, our Minister dedicated to solving our obesity crisis, believes that shutting down all fast-food restaurants will ave our country in tip-top shape in no time at all.

Impressive, eh ?

The Fancy Dress Party will succeed where Messrs Brown, Blair and Major have all failed. We won't have a democracy, erm, I mean, WILL have one, but we will have policies that no other Government has ever thought of.

I think it is a bit harsh saying that we will have assassinated all the leaders of rival parties, but I have a feeling in my bones that they will be going on holiday. . . to Outer Mongolia.

So, come June 4th, you WILL vote for us. To be honest, you don't have much choice. If you fail to vote for us, we'll do a Mugabe and have your whole family exterminated.

VOTE FDP !!!

Wenger's Young Troops Run Amok !

2009-05-18T09:18:00.001+01:00

It is no surprise that Arsenal are struggling to keep up with the likes of Manchester United and Liverpool in the Premiership this season - the kids are running riot.

With Arsene Wenger lacking the ability to discipline his young charges if they misbehave, it is no surprise that they are languishing in 4th place.

Just last Friday, for example, many of the team were watching Tracy Beaker on the television when Wenger wanted them to be doing training in preparation for the game against Manchester United. Some players, believe it or not, were even reading the Beano instead of practicing tactics.

Arsene Wenger is reportedly furious with the player's poor behaviour.
"I've tried everything from stopping their pocket money to making them wash the dishes, but nothing seems to work. I think it is time for Super Nanny!"

Revenge From Piggy !

2009-05-05T20:09:00.003+01:00

After my post with the corny jokes about Swine Flu, I think it would be fair to say that the pigs in the country weren't too pleased. They threw eggs off my house, I was ambushed coming home from school, and every move of mine was watched.

One even decided to ring me up, with the conversation going something like this:

"Hello ?"
"Oink oink."
"I'm sorry, can you speak louder ?"
"Oink ! Oink oink oink, oink oink oink !"

The phone went dead.

I tried to call back, but the phone kept on crackling. . .

Swine Flu !

2009-05-03T18:53:00.002+01:00

I bet you were wondering how long it would be before I made a post on the cause of the end of humanity - swine flu.

Well, here is the post on the illness that is all around the news, wherever you look. All the coverage it is getting is making me pig sick (sorry).

Personally, I think people don't really have the illness; I think they're just telling porkies !

If anyone does actually have Swine Flu, you should apply plenty of oinkment. Be warned, this is really a aporkolypse !

DJ Talent !

2009-04-27T19:31:00.004+01:00

On Saturday, I watched Britain's Got Talent !, a talent show dedicated to finding Britain's brightest talent, and then giving them the chance to perform at the Royal Variety Performance in front of the Queen.

One person on the show who stood out for me was rapper Anthony Ghoosh, aka DJ Talent. He said his rap would "blow the show to pieces", and it certainly did!

When I say Britain’s, you say talent! Britain’s got talent… it’s the DJ Talent!
When I say Britain’s, you say talent! Britain’s got talent… it’s the DJ Talent!
When I say Britain’s, you say talent! Britain’s got talent… it’s the DJ Talent!
When I say Britain’s, you say talent! Britain’s got talent… it’s the DJ Talent!

Right, you get the picture of what he was singing. It was very poor, but catchy.

So after the rap, he invited Kelly Brook to dinner, with Simon Cowell accepting the invitation on behalf of Brook. Here, on Mr. Satire's blog, we have the full story of where Ghoosh took her and what happened. . .

Ghoosh rang her up, as agreed beforehand, at 7pm. Brook was expecting something classy, despite the offer of chicken and salad. When Brook answered the phone, Ghoosh went into his rendition:

"When I say Britain’s, you say talent! Britain’s got talent… it’s the DJ Talent!"
"Look, Anthony, I wanted a free meal. please don't mess about. I don't want any unwanted media attention, " said Kelly.
"Sorry Kelly !"

When Anthony announced on the phone that the dream meal he had promised had to be cancelled due to his £7,000 teeth falling out, our Britain's Got Talent judge wasn't happy, to say the least.

"What do you mean, you can't make it ?!" Brook screeched.
"Well, I had a can of coke and the acid reacted with my gold teeth, which my mate down the pub said were in fact plastic, and they've melted."

Anthony Goosh, ready for his dream date, was cruelly given a harsh blow when Brook slammed the phone down. It's a hard life being a rapper on a talent show. . .

Romanian Rugby Fight !

2009-04-23T16:29:00.004+01:00

Normally, a match between two rivals may end in a few bruises, a cut lip or some minor injury. This rugby match between Dinamo Bucaresti and Farul Constata, however, turned into a full-scale brawl, as you can see in the picture to the left.

The trouble erupted after a scrum next to Bucaresti's posts, but the brawl spread around the whole pitch, with nearly every player getting involved.

The Romanian Rugby Federation suspended two Farul players and seven from Dinamo for between seven and ten games. The Farul president and a club coach were also penalised, along with the Dinamo trainer.

The pansies in England, who claim to have the roughest and toughest rivalries in the world, can no longer do so following this fight.

If you would like to see the fight, the link is here.

A Disaster Waiting To Happen. . .

2009-04-11T14:15:00.003+01:00

Talksport Radio are currently closing in on a deal that will see Russell Brand and Noel Gallagher have a regular show on the station dedicated to football banter.

Ofcom, get ready now. . .

The "Are You Being Serious?" Moment Of The Week !

2009-04-07T09:23:00.003+01:00

Hopefully, this will be a weekly feature to my blog. If I can motivate myself to do it, however, could be a potential snag. Regular nagging from Aviator Gray could persuade me to continue if he really likes it. If you really like this, or any other, part of my blog, please leave a comment saying so.

Now, onto to the post. Beauty pageants have to put up with all kinds of abuse from critics, ranging from how stupid, or how they only won the competition by sleeping with the judges. Dayana Mendoza, pictured left, who has recently won Miss Universe, will have to suffer a bit more, with a bit of banter coming from myself. Well, Miss Mendoza visited the Guantanamo Bay prison in Cuba a few days ago, and to quote her about how she felt about the prison, with its history of torture and hobbled orange-suited inmates.

This is a direct quote, in which she said the prison was “a looot of fun”. Miss Mendoza, are you talking about the prison which has attracted unwanted controversy lately thanks to accusations of abuse, neglect and, pretty much, horrible things ? You weren't talking about a pretty holiday camp with cute little kids running around. No, sirree, you were talking about one of the worst prisons in the whole entire world.

By the way, what was she doing there anyway ? It isn't one of the tourist destinations, I believe. I'll leave that one to you guys. . .

The Apprentice . . . sucks !

2009-04-04T17:44:00.009+01:00

When there's nothing on television, you just have to watch something. Do that or go crazy.

So I decided to watch BBC One's The Apprentice, where 17 devious, indsidious, sly, sneaky, treacherous, crooked. . . Right, you get the picture about what I think the contestants are like. I tried to think of 17 adjectives to describe them best, but I guess I can't think of them all.

The first task, Alan Sugar said, who incidentally can't run a football club but thinks he can run a business, was to start up a cleaning company. A cleaning company ? A flippin' cleaning company ?! Very interesting, Alan. . . You might claim to have a fantastic chain of businesses, Alan, but you won't ever win "The Most Entertaining Ideas For Your Stupid Programme" award !

The boys team, named Empire (Been listening to far too much Kasabian for my liking) decided to hose cars, but with the windows open !! Cue angry car salesman rating and raving at the clueless idiots, who protest their innocence.

The girls team, on the other hand, are just as bad; they decided to wash luxury cars with oven cleaner, which, unsurprisingly, didn't go down well with Alan once the task was eventually completed. Are you surprised ?

After the programme, which I thought was very bad, I shook my head, thought about how poor Auntie Beeb was getting, and had a can of coke. Now that was more exciting than The Apprentice. . .

Holiday Complaints !

2009-03-28T16:10:00.001Z

From the Daily Telegraph:

I present 20 of the most ridiculous complaints made by holidaymakers to their travel agent, taken from research by Thomas Cook and ABTA.

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she’d been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the “do not disturb” sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

"The beach was too sandy."

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

Is This Really Harry Hill ???

2009-03-27T16:28:00.004Z

I would hate to be a celebrity - idiots clamouring for autographs, weird stalkers perving on you at any time of the day.

Oh, I am sure glad I'm not a celeb, but if I was I don't think I would go to such extremes that Harry Hill went to recently to avoid his fans. As you can see in the photo on the left, Hill was spotted with a beard, cap and iPod walking his fox terriers, Ruby and Albert, in Battersea Park, South London.

Most fans, including myself, will know that on his Saturday evening show, in which he spots flaws in television shows, he wears a suit with his oversized collars and pinstripe suit.

So why the sudden transformation, Harry ? You have won a large army of fans with your unique television show, you have won numerous awards for your work and you haven't had any kind of controversy that warrants that kind of camouflage.

If anyone can think of any reasons, please make a comment.

Thankyou,

Mr. Satire.

Film Review: The Man Who Knew Too Little

2009-03-25T18:55:00.006Z

Last night, on Film 4, I decided to watch a film (like you do on that channel). What was on ? The Man Who Knew Too Little, a film, according to the Info button, that was about spies and comedy.

"That sounds alright to me" I said, but as no-one was in the room, it sounded like I was talking to myself. In my opinion, there's nothing better than putting your feet up and watching some spy use the latest gadgets to defeat evil, twisted enemies.

How wrong I was, however. This film was very poor, it had a limp plot, a pathetic script and gags that would have made even the corniest of comedians cringe. Despite the cast that included household names like Bill Murray, Richard Wilson and other famous actors, this film was really quite poor.

The flimsy plot about Bill Murray playing a clueless American who goes on holiday to England, only to be abducted by Russian spies with dodgy accents was poor. One of the spies, Uri, (who some of you may recognize as Minty from Eastenders) sported an accent that was absolutely dreadful. Making a broad Cockney play a KGB spy wasn't a great move from the directors, in my opinion.

My favourite line in the play was when Murray, playing Wallace Ritchie, asked whether he would try and trick the Russian spies into giving him over £3m, replied "I can't act."

Bill, you stole the words from our mouth . . .

Hello Everyone !

2009-03-25T18:42:00.004Z

Hello, and welcome to my new blog, Mr. Satire ! In this blog you will read posts from me reviewing various films, with my unique brand of scrutiny on it ! Nothing, and I repeat nothing, will escape my clutches as I aim to make this a blog that will go down in history as one of the funniest in history.

Now, folks, by the time you read this, I will be making my next post about a film I saw last night.

Bye !